Have you ever thought, “Who are these people who keep calling us for help? If they had made better decisions, they never would have needed help!” It’s only natural to judge things only from our own perspective, and to assume that our way is the right way. Maybe it would be if everybody had faced the same choices and had the same opportunities as we did, but of course, we know they haven’t.

We can also be tempted, when we think this way, to condition our future assistance, even if only subconsciously, on whether the neighbor takes our advice. Yet we are taught that we should “not be quick to advise”, instead remaining humble enough to recognize that ours may not be the best advice, and that respecting the neighbor’s dignity also means that we “must never force our will onto those we help. Be sure that you don’t make your assistance dependent upon them actually taking your advice.” [Pres. Handbook, 35]

We are called to “establish relationships based on trust and friendship” with the neighbor – mutual relationships between equals, not agent-client, or parent-child relationships. We seek to see Christ in those we serve and to “understand them as we would a brother or sister.” [Rule, Part I, 1.9] After all, only the Father knows best.

Christ shared meals, the sort of intimate gathering one reserves for friends, with sinners, not because they were deserving, but because they were the ones most in need. In a similar way, we must always remember that we “are dealing with individuals and families who may be desperate, who often have dysfunctional histories, and who are at a point in their lives when a multitude of problems weigh them down. These are precisely the people whom the Society is called on to serve by bringing them support and hope.” [Manual, 23] We carry this friendship, understanding, and compassion for the neighbor in our hearts, in our actions, and in our words.

“God forbid that we should slander the poor whom the Gospel blesses, or render the suffering classes responsible for their misery,” Bl. Frédéric reminds us, adding that this is only serves to make us feel “exonerated from helping the poor man when they have proved his wrongdoing.” [O’Meara, 248] The neighbor, the poor one, is our brother, our sister, our friend, not our client, NIN, or FIN. When sharing our home visit reports at meetings, we should always imagine the neighbor sitting right in our midst, listening to the words we say, and, through us, participating in the discussion.

Because we can never really know the neighbor’s whole story, we also cannot know if in fact we would have made different choices ourselves in their situation. We can only know that right now, they are suffering, and that they are for us the sacred images of that God whom we do not see and not knowing how to love Him otherwise, we love Him in their persons. [cf. 137, to Janmot, 1836]

Contemplate

How can I better keep my mind and heart open to love the neighbor without judgment?

By Timothy Williams,
Senior Director of Formation & Leadership Development
Society of St. Vincent de Paul USA.