“WE CAN’T ARGUE PEOPLE INTO LOVING GOD; THAT REQUIRES EXAMPLE.”

– BLESSED FREDERIC OZANAM

We live in a world polarised by opinions and a rigid sense of righteousness. Our politics and our culture do not always provide the most effective modelling for engaging in and resolving disagreements. The desire to be right and to win can be stronger impulses in these times of disputes and divergence. How do you talk to someone who holds an opposite or differing opinion from you?

It takes time and sincere effort to engage in dialogue with others, especially with controversial or fractious topics. At all costs, we need to avoid behaviours that harass, bully, or discriminate against other people. This might seem to be obvious, but these behaviours continue in our workplaces, relationships, meetings, and conversations. Often, aggressive, or inappropriate interactions can appear in small forms and may be initially unintentional.

Dismissing a colleague’s idea during a meeting. Constantly interrupting a person when it is their time to share a thought or idea. A raised voice projected across a room with instructions for a person on the other side of the room. The language and words we use and the manner in which we use them are important. Practicing what we preach with integrity, justice, and compassion lies at the heart of the Society.

In our meetings, the Rule invites us to foster important elements of communities that encourage faith and love. Members are encouraged to engage with one another with fraternity, simplicity, joy, familial relationship, and spiritual friendship. These virtues serve as models to others who are connected to the Vincentian family, through the various avenues of employment, common service, ecumenical and inter-faith relationships, and as examples to the wider world.

There are some effective and straightforward principles that can contribute to meaningful dialogue. Express your thoughts knowing that others will listen and reflect upon what you say without responding verbally. It is helpful to use “I” statements or “my experience has been…” Pay attention to the assumptions, attitudes, and feelings underlying your initial or surface thoughts on the topic. Simply listen to and accept another’s thoughts without trying to challenge, critique, or even respond aloud to them. Reflect before speaking and be concise. Learn to be comfortable with the silence and resist the urge to speak just because there is silence. Be patient with yourself and the other members of your group and watch for deepening levels of dialogue.

The measure of a person can be found in the way they speak to other people. Words spoken with impatience, anger, and through the arbitrary use of power will always fail in their positive impact or their ability to motivate or connect with others. Words spoken in kindness, with authenticity and genuine respect will always linger in the best possible ways. May you find the words you need in times of disagreement to continue to build a worldwide network of charity and love.

From: Firewood for the soul, vol. 2, A Reflexion Book for the Whole Vincentian Family
St. Vincent de Paul Society, Queensland, Australia.
Text by: Samantha Hill and James Hodge.